[it's real now]

Today, while sitting in class, my life really hit me. I was sitting in NURS 1020, taking notes and mentally sorting through what I needed to do once I got home (TB test, read 2 chapters, write a small essay, fill out a diagram, start reviewing material, read an online article) and it finally became real.

I'm in nursing school.

I know this is going to be quite the challenge over the next 2 years, but today, right now, I'm so grateful to be where I am, and to have this experience and opportunity.

Here we go! RN or bust!

~Courtney

The Road Not Taken

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I learned that poem in elementary school. I looked at it as maybe the dude was picking a job, or maybe he honestly didn't know which walk to go on. Either way, it didn't mean anything much to me. It was a nice sounding poem about a guy who went against the norm.

And yet, so many years later. It's the title of a post I didn't think I would ever have to write about.

Last post I told you about Chris Green, my missionary. I showed a vague picture of the 2 inch binder stuffed with letters, and the stack of envelopes I'd been hoarding away.

And through the entire post, I knew that I had some devastating news for him once I saw him Saturday.

You see, like this guy in the above poem, I had two choices.

And both choices had really happy looking endings.

But the difference here, is this Robert Frost got to pick his path, while God told me which one I needed to take.

I fought, bargained and cried over His answer to my theoretical question. His answer that Chris wasn't 'the one' for me.

And Chris came home from the mission and called me every day, and every time I had to tell myself that God knows His plan for me, and that I needed to obey.

Saturday rolled around, and I made the drive to see him. We ate with his family and played games before we left on a walk to the park. And then, before I knew it, we were seated across from each other, my hands in his.

This was my moment to choose my path.

And I chose the path God had prepared for me.

With tears ruining my mascara, and my voice sounding nothing like my own, I ended our 2 year, 8 month relationship.

And, Chris, if you've ventured into the blog that has chronicled my life for a full year, I want you to know something. Putting this story, our story on here for every passing soul to read was a difficult decision. Some might look at it as a breach of privacy. As me looking for attention.

But this is for you. Not for the people who read this blog, not for myself really. It's for you. And I'm not gonna tell you about it. Maybe you'll stumble across this in a few months, a year, a decade. Maybe your sister will tell you to check it out. Maybe you will never, ever read this.

But I'm through living with maybe.

And, Chris, I hope that you aren't living with a maybe. Because while I have loved you for so long, I just know that there isn't a maybe between us. Heavenly Father tried to tell me for so, so long. And I ignored him. Like you said, you wouldn't have had the courage to ask. And I didn't either. He had to jump at me when I casually said something rhetorical.

But what he told me, what he told my pounding heart and foggy brain was amazing. It's not only amazing for me, it's amazing for you.

We were the perfect pair. My family accepted you into the picture, my brother loved you like the brother he'd never had. My friends saw us together and thought it was the most natural relationship out there. Your family accepted me like they've never accepted any other girl you've dated. Your brother approved of me, and the other said I'd be welcome in the family.

Now imagine that, Chris, and multiply it by 100. Because that's what He's got in store for both of us, just with different people.

The girl you marry is going to be stronger than me in so many ways. She'll be your perfect companion and assist you in the mysterious and important work you have ahead of you. She'll be your true companion, your perfect mate, your Eternal wife.

And He's got some amazing guy waiting in the wings for me.

I know these things because He told me so.

So thank you for continuing our friendship. For texting me these last 2 days. For treating me like your best friend, a title I was honored to receive while you were serving. Thank you for understanding that I had to do what He asked, and thank you for being you.

Come What May has a different meaning for me now, but you'll always be tied to that.

So, readers, thanks for taking an interest in my life, but understand, this post wasn't for you. It was for him.

~Courtney

2.5hours

Dear readers,

I've been keeping a monumental secret from you.

For the past two years, I've written a Mormon Missionary. My Missionary.

His name is Chris Green, he served in Houston, Texas, and is now fluent in Spanish.

He lands in the Salt Lake City Airport in two and a half hours.

I'm sitting in my apartment, waiting for one o'clock to roll around, which is when my shift starts, and I'm staring at this two-inch binder

which is filled with seventy-two letters, each more than three pages long, with beautiful cursive writing filling every corner of each page.

They are filled with amazing spiritual thoughts from a really, really amazing spiritual man. They contain his hopes and dreams for the future, his desires, goals and pet-peeves.

This binder contains the letters that helped me really understand Christopher Green, and we've formed the strongest friendship through these.

I'm rifling through a large purple shoe box filled with mementos, envelopes and lots of green ribbon.

I kept the best looking envelopes and stored them in this box, with plans for future decorating ideas.

I've been waiting for August 2012 for two years, really more than two years, seeing as he prepared for his mission for at least four months.

So he's home today. Today. TODAY!!

I've waited for this day for two years, and it's finally here.

Welcome home, Chris. I can't wait to see you on Saturday.

~Courtney

when i have time to think

I've been pretty depressed lately. Not in an 'i need to seek help' sort of way, 

but in an 'i feel alone and wish i was still in Florida' sort of way.

The day I landed in Utah, after spending 6 magical months at Disney World, i stepped right into a busy, crazy lifestyle that kept me going, and kept Disney off my mind for about a solid month. I changed my hair color, I drove to Price and bought an apartment. I caught up with friends from home, I spent a week with friends from Disney. I unpacked my suitcases, and packed up my every belonging and moved out (mostly, sorry mom, I'll get those boxes out soon, i promise). I celebrated my twenty-first birthday, and started nursing school in the same month. I was doing great, and Disney crossed my mind not nearly as much as I thought it would.

But now i've been home two months, and i've been living in Price for one of those months, and Disney has invaded my mind. And since taking my final exam on Friday of last week, it's been almost all-consuming. When I have time to myself, to sit and think. To look at my life, where i am, where i was, i get serious Disney-Depression. It's not fair to myself, i know.  I know i should be thankful for that amazing experience, and focus on being thankful for this new experience that i've been dreaming of all my life.My problem? This new experience can't hold a candle to Disney. I have every hope that soon, in two weeks, it will. Once fall semester starts up, and I am busy, making new friends, and learning new things, i have no doubt i will have the time of my life. But right now, this very moment, i'm sad, alone, bored, and depressed. 

I can't be alone. I get depressed. I need to be with people, or at least studying or reading a book. When i'm doing nothing, i think, and when i think, i think of Mickey Mouse and how much my heart misses the Place Where Dreams Come True. 

I can't sit and wait for my Gold Ticket. I've got to get out and find things to occupy my mind with. 

I  will be forever grateful for the Disney College Program, and how it changed my life. I am also grateful for the chance to go to nursing school, and I really can't wait to dive head first into school.

~Courtney

window shopping at the Disney Store

This weekend I explored City Creek for the first time ever. I went with Leslie, and our Disney friend, Kenzi. We spent 4 hours at least in only 3 stores. I bought a fabulous mustard colored sheath at Forever 21, and refrained from buying the cutest brown and pink plaid trench coat from H&M.

Then we went to the Disney Store. And I died. And cried a little, but mostly I just wandered around feeling sorry for myself and wishing I were still in Florida. But after I got over myself, I decided it would be fun to do a window shopping post, like my favorite blog, younghouselove does with lots of different stores. So here we go! Disney window shopping!

This $150 Cinderella stunner immediatley caught my eye. I was soo happy to see a Cinderella dress with good quality hip puffs. Of course, it's 150 bucks, but I couldn't stop staring at it.

This Cinderella mug was so cute! If I were a Cindy fan, I probably would have bought it.

I drooled over the Flynn Rider doll in his wedding clothes, and wished there was a short haired Rapunzel in her wedding dress.

Cinderella's wedding dress was cute, but I guarantee a little girl would be itching (literally) to get out of it as soon as possible.

This Pascal cereal bowl made me smile and think of my Disney roommate, Chelsea, who adores him.

It's Charlotte LaBouff!!! From Princess and the Frog! I died. I think she's the funniest character in that movie, so it was awesome to see a doll of her.

Merida's ceremonial dress was so pretty! I was also impressed to see it's a lightweight dress, so a little girl could easily wear the dress around Magic Kingdom with no problems.

This adorable T-Shirt had me rooting through the pile to find one I could fit in, unfortunately they were all little kids sizes.

Tramp looked awfully cute in his stuffed animal cuteness. Sadly there was no Lady to be found.

And of course, no Disney window shopping adventure would be complete without a pic of Mickey Mouse. He was so cute I cried. Seriously.

We all miss Disney so much. It's all we talked about pretty much.

~Courtney