The Beginning Of The End

During the lifetime of this blog, 

I have considered writing my last post

at least a dozen times.

But this website became my internet journal, 

and I couldn't find the desire to officially shut it down.

Now, the time has come.

I've decided that it's time to close the book on this little piece of the world wide web.

I have my reasons for this decision.

I know it's the right thing to do at this point in life.

I'm happy that so many people have visited this blog,

even though I'm just another blogger

with no claim to fame. 

I know I will come back here to reminisce on old posts,

because this blog is full of so many precious memories!

I love thinking about where I've been in life,

and it just gets me so excited for the future!

There's so much for me to go do!

There's a great big, beautiful tomorrow!

Thank you for reading, for commenting, and for loving me.

All my love,

Courtney

The Final One Bites The Dust

Look at all those beautiful brown X's!!

I remember being handed this schedule the same day I found my dear friend, Eric, died.

And I remember scouring this schedule a week later, when my roommate announced that she was joining the army and leaving me with 3 full months of rent unpaid.

I remember calling my parents and planning my early move home after lecture classes ended early March.

Even though some days were filled with sad and heart wrenching memories,

most days were filled with laughs, hugs, and encouragement.

I will always look back on this semester as the most fulfilling four months of my life.

I remember staring at that calendar thinking the days were moving too slowly,

yet at the same time the days were flying by!

I am here, the day before graduation, thinking

"Am I really ready to be a nurse?"

I know the answer is a yes,

because I've been waiting for this day all my life.

But I also wonder if I'll ever be completely ready to be a nurse.

Regardless of my feelings...

Ready or not...

Tomorrow is graduation day

Brown Paper Packages

I should really call them cardboard boxes, but that sounds less whimsical and more like reality.

In 7 weeks, I will be moving back to Draper and I'll make the 2 hour commute to class as needed until graduation on April 25. I am taking advantage of the down time I have now to start packing up the things I can live without. Of course, I don't know where these boxes are going, so I also have to pack according to temperature. I can't put my expensive Bath & Body Works candles in a box that's going to end up in some outdoor storage unit, that's for sure!

I went around taking pictures today so I could start taking down the decorations and such, which has made me uncharacteristically sad about this. I usually welcome change. I'm usually so excited for the next adventure. Somehow, I've come to the point where I don't want this adventure to end. It may be due to the fact that this is the longest time I have lived in one place (excluding growing up in my parent's house) and I have grown to love my home. I loved going home to my family and my big city, but it was always so nice to drive back to my home in Price, where all my things were waiting for me.

I don't know where I will end up next. I find that scary, yet terribly exciting. The possibilities are huge! This is a wonderful thing about nursing; I can go anywhere in the world and find a job. But this makes me wonder how to pack.  Should I pack according to necessity? Pack according to room? Usefulness? Importance? Should I toss the insignificant stuff? I am packing 19 months worth of stuff and memories into cardboard boxes, and I don't know their end destination.

When I moved to this tiny town in July of '12, I wished for the day that I would leave it. I made count-down chains and plans for my far off future. Now that it is time to move to the next chapter, I almost wish I could flip back a few pages and stay here just a little longer. Crazy how you grow attached to places you never thought you would miss.

~Courtney

my last summer semester

Last Tuesday was the first day of Summer 2013 semester, and even though class is 4 hours, it was really nice to be back with the class and to finally have a purpose again. Class is going to be a good pace, and homework seems to be manageable. I'm so happy to see some of the for-sure changes and some of the in-the-works changes that are coming with the new program director.

First and foremost, NANDAs (a large, intensive, very specific paper on one patient every week) may be receding in our program. It's not a definite change, but even knocking down the number of them we have to write would be so, so wonderful! We have a new guy in our program that got his LPN at a technical college in the Provo area, and when the program director mentioned NANDAs, he asked what they were! Oh we were all so jealous that he had never written one!! Hopefully NANDAs become nonexistent. I would be very thrilled with that.

One change that I am very excited about is our clinical name badges. Our LPN year, it was a simple paper tag with our name and picture, that had been laminated and hole punched. This year, our badge will be plastic, similar to our student IDs around campus. It will help us look more polished and professional while at the hospital, and they won't bend near as easily.

We were going to change our scrubs from these awful barber looking tops into something more... realistic, but due to a signed contract with the maker of the below atrocities, we are stuck with them for one more year.

Seriously, buttons? Who puts buttons on a scrub top? Come on.

The most important change is that my name badge will read Courtney Brown, LPN, and that kinda makes me want to happy dance around the house. I'm a nurse!!!

I like good changes.
~Courtney

{why do i worry}

With Bri's engagement, and my Pinterest blowing up with wedding ideas from my trillion okay, handful of engaged friends, I've had my future husband on my mind an awful lot. 

I'm 21 for Pete's sake. This shouldn't be freaking me out so much, but I won't lie about how much it worries me. I know he's out there; I know I'm not meant to live alone the rest of my life. 

After work today I was unpacking my stuff and finding places to put my new Christmas gifts, when I opened up the binder from the 2 years I wrote Elder Green. Tucked in the back was, well, a very sweet love letter  chronicling our 2 years together. 

As I read that letter with a smile on my face I realized there's no reason to be worried right now. I have been promised an amazing husband, an amazing love story. Reading that letter, and reflecting on what a good relationship Chris and I had reassured me that Heavenly Father really does have the perfect guy waiting in the wings for me.

Don't know when I'll meet him.

Or where.

But I'm going to meet him. 

So sorry, dear readers, about this ridiculous post about some future husband.

But it's nice to get these thoughts out of my head and onto paper. Er- internet.

Hopefully this blog can start focusing on medical things. Hahaha.

~Courtney

When To Move On?

Yup. The post I've been forming in my head for the past few months is coming to fruition. And I realize this post will only reach the two people I know who actually read this blog. Kinda depressing knowing my own mother doesn't even check this blog out...

I digress.

Since moving to Price, I've fought the unhappiness inside my heart. I rationalized with myself that it took me 3 years to get into a nursing program, why on earth would I leave it?

Well, maybe because my Big City soul is decaying in this tiny town?

Or because I don't feel happy in the tiny hospital I do clinicals in?

Or maybe even because I don't feel challenged in this program. There are days I wonder if I'm learning the stuff i need to know to pass the NCLEX.

Not to mention my lack of friendships down here,

and the fact that every time I go home I seriously contemplate moving back in... 

which should be a huge red flag.

So yes. I will be applying to other nursing programs come January. 

Of course I'll still apply here in Price, It's only an additional year, I can suck it up, right?

It's just sad because I think back to this moment, when I completely lost my marbles with excitement to be accepted to this program. And now I'm here... and I'd give anything to be back in Florida.

Obviously I'm insane. Something needs to change.

So it's back into the stressful (and expensive) world of applications I go.

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to apps I go.

~Courtney

The Road Not Taken

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I learned that poem in elementary school. I looked at it as maybe the dude was picking a job, or maybe he honestly didn't know which walk to go on. Either way, it didn't mean anything much to me. It was a nice sounding poem about a guy who went against the norm.

And yet, so many years later. It's the title of a post I didn't think I would ever have to write about.

Last post I told you about Chris Green, my missionary. I showed a vague picture of the 2 inch binder stuffed with letters, and the stack of envelopes I'd been hoarding away.

And through the entire post, I knew that I had some devastating news for him once I saw him Saturday.

You see, like this guy in the above poem, I had two choices.

And both choices had really happy looking endings.

But the difference here, is this Robert Frost got to pick his path, while God told me which one I needed to take.

I fought, bargained and cried over His answer to my theoretical question. His answer that Chris wasn't 'the one' for me.

And Chris came home from the mission and called me every day, and every time I had to tell myself that God knows His plan for me, and that I needed to obey.

Saturday rolled around, and I made the drive to see him. We ate with his family and played games before we left on a walk to the park. And then, before I knew it, we were seated across from each other, my hands in his.

This was my moment to choose my path.

And I chose the path God had prepared for me.

With tears ruining my mascara, and my voice sounding nothing like my own, I ended our 2 year, 8 month relationship.

And, Chris, if you've ventured into the blog that has chronicled my life for a full year, I want you to know something. Putting this story, our story on here for every passing soul to read was a difficult decision. Some might look at it as a breach of privacy. As me looking for attention.

But this is for you. Not for the people who read this blog, not for myself really. It's for you. And I'm not gonna tell you about it. Maybe you'll stumble across this in a few months, a year, a decade. Maybe your sister will tell you to check it out. Maybe you will never, ever read this.

But I'm through living with maybe.

And, Chris, I hope that you aren't living with a maybe. Because while I have loved you for so long, I just know that there isn't a maybe between us. Heavenly Father tried to tell me for so, so long. And I ignored him. Like you said, you wouldn't have had the courage to ask. And I didn't either. He had to jump at me when I casually said something rhetorical.

But what he told me, what he told my pounding heart and foggy brain was amazing. It's not only amazing for me, it's amazing for you.

We were the perfect pair. My family accepted you into the picture, my brother loved you like the brother he'd never had. My friends saw us together and thought it was the most natural relationship out there. Your family accepted me like they've never accepted any other girl you've dated. Your brother approved of me, and the other said I'd be welcome in the family.

Now imagine that, Chris, and multiply it by 100. Because that's what He's got in store for both of us, just with different people.

The girl you marry is going to be stronger than me in so many ways. She'll be your perfect companion and assist you in the mysterious and important work you have ahead of you. She'll be your true companion, your perfect mate, your Eternal wife.

And He's got some amazing guy waiting in the wings for me.

I know these things because He told me so.

So thank you for continuing our friendship. For texting me these last 2 days. For treating me like your best friend, a title I was honored to receive while you were serving. Thank you for understanding that I had to do what He asked, and thank you for being you.

Come What May has a different meaning for me now, but you'll always be tied to that.

So, readers, thanks for taking an interest in my life, but understand, this post wasn't for you. It was for him.

~Courtney

It's about to start

When I was little, I put band-aids on my dolls, and begged my parents for wheelchairs for my Barbies and American Girl dolls. I carried around a black plastic doctor bag with the funniest looking stethoscope you've ever seen.
All my life, I've wanted to be a nurse.

Tomorrow, that dream becomes a reality.

As of tomorrow at 9 AM, I will be a nursing student.


Is it odd that I'm scared?  Maybe everyone feels like this when they take their first step towards the rest of their life?

Here I come, USU- CEU nursing program. See you bright and early tomorrow.

~Courtney

The Day My Life Changed

Yes, that's right, my life changed on April 4, 2012.

For my sake, I'm just going to put the entire story here, so I can read this again and again for the rest of my life.

Wednesday afternoon I was working Minnie Mouse at Magic Kingdom, when I got a text from my mom.  She asked me what my work schedule was for the day, and that I should call her once I was home, no matter how late that was.  That last bit is what tipped me off to the possibility that she had just pulled another nursing letter from the mailbox.

I called her and asked her to just open up the dang letter so I could stop dwelling on it during work. She refused, so I had to finish up the last 6 hours of work before I would find out what the letter said.

By the time I got home, I had convinced myself it was another rejectance (DATC said no 2 weeks earlier, and USU had said no even earlier than that). I spent the entire bus ride home praying to Heavenly Father saying "I know no amount of prayer can change the ink on that letter, so please, if it's a no, show me what you want me to do with my life."  I came home to an almost empty apartment and called my mom. She had decided during the day to Skype opening the letter, and I told her I really didn't want to cry in front of her, I was that convinced that it was a no.

So she won the argument and in a few minutes, I had my laptop on and my webcam plugged in.  We had some issues getting the cameras up and running, but before I knew it, she was opening the envelope from CEU.

Here's how the conversation went:

Mom: "Dear Courtney, we are thrilled"
Me:  starts hysterically crying
Mom: "to inform you of your acceptance to Utah State University; College of Eastern Utah's nursing program.
Me: throw my hands in front of my face and loose my marbles.

mom finished reading the letter, but I was too consumed with happy hysterics to even pay attention.  I posted my acceptance on Facebook, and the congrats started flowing in.  Three of my wonderful roommates came in to congratulate me personally, and I got a bunch of texts from friends and family at home.  My mom and I three way called my dad, sister and brother who were down in St. George for Spring break, so I could tell them the news.

The next day, my roommate Briana surprised me with this congrats cake

So now I'm looking for housing in Price, and I am soooooooooo ready for this next chapter of my life to begin!


The scriptures say that you have to taste the bitter to enjoy the sweet, and boy, have I tasted the bitter, and I'm so enjoying the sweet!

After 2.5 years of school, and 4 rejectance letters, this yes means the world to me.

~Courtney

P.S. stay tuned for my new blog title coming soon!!!!!!!

New Glasses!

After years and years of plain, simple frames, I have finally traded up in the glasses world.

When the thick frame style started, I was a little skeptical. They eventually grew on me, but year after year I decided to keep getting contacts and stick with the thin metal frames. (our insurance let you get one or the other)

At the beginning of the year I decided I did want new glasses, and it took me 11 months to follow through.

Introducing......  My new Prada frames!

I love them so!
Though my ears really hurt after wearing them for a few hours.  My lenses are very, very thick, which makes them very, very heavy.  I had to have the part that goes over the ears tightened quite a bit so they will stay on.  That pressure really hurts my ears.  Not to mention the sides are 100 times bigger than my original glasses so they push out my ears more.

The one thing that really makes me sad is my lenses stick out in the front of the frames because they are so thick.

I guess I'm the only one who really notices, but come on, isn't it obvious?

Overall, I love my new frames!  I actually take my contacts out during the day time now!

~Courtney

A Somber Moment

Mom and I took a trip to the impound lot last Thursday.
It was a really sad experience.
Looking at my car all banged up made me want to cry (I didn't, amazingly)

The insurance adjuster called and she's working on the final price for my car. Things look good, better than what I had expected, but no amount of money can give me back Max.

~Courtney

Some Big Pupils!

Did you know that when a human sees something they like, their pupils dilate?  Yes, it's true.  Way back when, women in Italy used to put a drug in their eyes to dilate the pupils, so their suitors would find them attractive and pursue them. That drug they used is commonly called Deadly Nightshade, or Belladonna as the Italians put it.

So women made their eyes huge to trick men into thinking the women liked what they saw.  Some ladies died from the effects, 'cause Deadly Nightshade is appropriately named for it's deadly consequences...
Anyway,

That practice has stopped since then, and dilated pupils usually means someone's just spent a few hours having bright lights shined directly into their eyes. Ah, how those opthamologists torture me.

But hey, I sure can see sharper now!
~Courtney

DISNEY!

Um... I know I posted about an hour ago, but THE MOST AMAZING THING just occurred & I must share it!
I alluded to it in the last paragraph of the last post & I think it's about time I share this on the World Wide Web. I'm applying to work at WALT DISNEY WORLD!
My dear friend Leslie & I decided we'd try for it earlier this year.  The application was posted on the 5th, but I was nervous & hesitant & I decided not to apply yet. But then I read this blog yesterday during my lunch hour & I just knew it was time to apply!
I started the process at about 2 this afternoon with the online application.  It took me about an hour to do the whole thing, but I read every word on each page so that certainly slowed me down.  After finishing that I flipped to my email and noticed the 'thanks for applying' email.  I then shut down my computer and started on chemistry homework.  About an hour ago I got deathly bored and checked my email on my iPod to find the 'take your web based interview now!' email.  So after a few screams of joy I flung shut my chem book and turned on my laptop once more.  I flew to my email to find my interview link & immediately started on the WBI.  That took about 30 minutes & then I saw the most wonderful web page.  Here, let me just copy paste.

Congratulations - you have been identified as a strong candidate! Your next step is to schedule a phone interview. You will have the ability to schedule your interview appointment in approximately 24 hours.


Then, not even 1 hour later, I get my 'schedule your phone interview now' email.  This is when I ran downstairs to scream the news to my mom, who just sat on the floor with a look of "I love you, but you sure are odd, honey".
My phone interview is scheduled for Tuesday at 2:30.  I can't believe I have to wait that long for this, but I work all day Monday & have chem that night so Tuesday really is my best day.  I will not be sleeping much, needless to say.


Disney, here I come! (hopefully!!!!)


~Courtney

New Doc!

I'd like to introduce you to someone.

This is Dr. Franz Monroy and he's my new physician.  I love working for him!  He's an amazing guy who really loves what he does.  We've made it through one full week of work, and I'm enjoying working with him. It's like I've found a new stride in my work, which means I'm not staring at the clock anymore.

While I have enjoyed working with him thus far, I still am excited to move on to bigger, more exciting things.  After all, I'm still young!  I'm not going to sit at one job for the rest of my life, I've got dreams to accomplish here!

~Courtney 

Congrats Dr. O!

I'm not working this week, and for that I am very grateful. Why am I grateful?  'Cause I'm sick as a dog.

Back to this post.

The reason I'm not working this week is because my physician, Dr. Phillip Gane Olsen has officially retired.
No, he's not retired- retired, He's just retired from Intermountian Health Care.  He's going to work in Idaho now for the V.A. 

So his last day was Friday, and we had a nice little 'Going Away' party for him.  He got a Kindle (from our manager) and an Amazon gift card (from all the staff) so he could fill it up to his hearts content.

The perfect gift for a physician who would cram as many chapters as he could in between patients.  That man brought a different book to work every single day.

Dr. O (as I called him) was an... interesting person to work under.  There were days when he'd jump right up to see his patients; there were other (more common) days where he'd sit and read for twenty minutes before going to a patient.  (I had to hide his book one day because we were sooooo behind!)

Though he had his hang-ups, I was always comfortable with asking him questions.  He always thought about the best answer, and would even double check himself with textbooks sometimes.  He's easy going, and never once yelled or came close to getting angry with me.

Best of luck to you, Dr. Olsen!
~Courtney