Blergh

Oh my gosh, I really do not know why I haven't been posting much this semester.

I think it's because I keep thinking I need to write some fabulous, witty post about life's injustices.

But I can't. Life simply isn't being unjust. I have absolutely nothing making my life less than livable.

I made a horrible discovery recently.

Okay, it's not horrible. It was a big wake-up call though.

I have been cleaning out the nooks and crannies of my room, kinda like Spring Cleaning

… though it's Winter Cleaning instead.

But I found a whole ton of micro cassette tapes jumbled up in a drawer.

My missionary and I used them religiously as a means to communication while he was serving.

I would pop in a cassette and ramble to him about how my life was going, and he would do the same.

Unfortunately, I didn't label his tapes well, so I decided I would just go listen to each one to label properly or throw away. Then I came across one of my own tapes, with my voice coming out of the cassette player, reading aloud a letter I had written but never sent… It was a mushy letter that could have been taken word for word out of a chick flick. I chuckled and felt a little embarrassed, went to hit the stop button, but low and behold there was more.

This time, my ramblings were aimed towards a different beau, recorded almost a year after the mushy letter. So I sat and listened, and my embarrassment got even worse. While my ramblings didn't surpass the mushiness of the unsent letter, they were just as dopey. 

I realized something.

Love makes me an idiot.

Both of these recordings placed me as the stereotypical lovesick school girl.  They were full of "I love you with every part of me" and "you are the best thing to ever happen to me" nonsense. Now, yes, I did feel those things, and in the case of my missionary, we had been dating for nearly 3 years at that point. But the other guy? I think we were around the 2 month mark when that was recorded.  So I sat at my desk, dumbfounded by my own… I don't know… clingyness. I'm not the girl to text my guy asking where they are and who they are with, and I'm the girl who enjoys nights with my girls instead of my guy, but apparently I'm also the girl who super glues her heart to the guy. 

I finally figured out my problem.

My problem is not that I am desperate to be in a relationship. My problem is once I'm in that relationship, I'm desperate to keep the "love alive".

I've discovered my issue, and while it was an embarrassing/terrible process of discovery, it was something I really needed to find. So what now? I don't know how I will go about my next relationship, whenever it happens. I certainly don't think I'll act any less caring. How does a girl keep a guy close without becoming a Love Leech? I suppose I'll have to take it day by day, and keep a close eye on my emotions to keep them in check. Become less of a stupid school girl and more of a mature independent woman. That sounds pretty dang good to me. One thing I know for sure: no more recording my personal ramblings on a micro cassette tape. None of that nonsense anymore.

So it's officially added to the goals of 2014/15/16/wheneverigetmynextboyfriend.

Oh gosh. This post makes me sound like a nutcase.

Or a cheese ball covered in nuts.

I'm a holiday side dish.

~Courtney